So we had our financing (which was awesome), but before we could move forward, we needed to do one last round of testing to make sure we ordered the correct medicine for our IVF cycle. There were a few things to check for, but my Dr told me not to worry about it. I was a little uneasy...again, I just had the feeling that the results were not going to be good. I don't know why I was so upset when the results came in because I already "knew" what they were going to say. Still....to hear you have a very serious blood disorder that can cause spontaneous miscarriages at any point throughout a pregnancy was a very scary thing! It made me terrified to do IVF. Eventually I was able to calm down and do some research, and I found out that if I take my meds on a regular basis, I should be okay (should being the key word there...). Of course there is always the risk, but there were other women out there that had made it through it with healthy babies so I could too (fingers crossed).
The next step was my meds. Another breakdown moment for me (there have been lots along the way! lol) was the day I found the giant cooler on my doorstep containing the thousands of dollars of medicine I needed for the IVF. So. many. needles. (!!!) I was so excited and so ready for the cycle! I just couldn't wait to get started. I wanted it to start just so it could be over, and then I would know I was officially pregnant (again....didn't quite turn out the way I planned). I took a million pictures of everything so that I would be able to document the process to show my child someday. Did I mention I was uber excited?! ;)
During my stims (the 2 weeks spent taking 5 pills a day and 4 shots per day), everything went perfect. We couldn't have asked for things to go any smoother. I was on cloud nine :) The morning of the transfer, they got 30 eggs from me. Considering normal is between 8 and 12, thirty was incredible! Unfortunately, 30 was also a high enough number to cause my doctor to consider canceling my transfer. He ultimately decided to cancel based on the 30 eggs, my super high estrogen levels, and the fluid he found in my pelvis (he had no idea where it came from or why it was there).
Due to the 30 eggs and high estrogen levels, my doctor was worried about OHSS, which is a very scary thing! We were still so upset over the canceled transfer, but we knew we had to focus on me getting back to normal. I spent the next 5 days on complete bed rest following a strict diet and drinking boatloads of water. The two days following that were spent on modified bed rest: I went to work for 3 hours in the morning and came home to spend the rest of the day and night on the couch. The following week, I had a D&C/hysteroscopy to try to figure out where the fluid was coming from. It turns out I had 6 polyps in my uterus...ick. Had we done the transfer, there would have been no hope for the embryos to survive.
Of the 30 eggs, only 18 were mature, meaning the 18 were a fully developed size and able to have the possibility of fertilization. Of the 18, the embryologist was able to fertilize 15. We had 15 embryos! Those are GREAT numbers! So much to be thankful for :)
There were many ups and downs along the way to our transfer (first it was on, then it was off, then it was on...ugh), but ultimately we had our transfer in August of 2012. Our embryologist thawed 10 of our snow babies, but only two survived the thaw. There was nothing that could have been done to save them; they were just too weak. It turns out we have poor quality embryos and the doctor has no idea why. We are both young, healthy, and everything is working as it should in our bodies. We just can't get pregnant because our embryos are not good. So sad :(
I remember hearing the news about losing our embryos and crying and crying; I felt like I would never stop. I felt like I just lost 8 precious little ones. Those were my babies; my future sweeties that I would never get to hold or love on. It was heartbreaking. Some people don't see it the way I do, but I believe that life begins at conception so whether they were in me or in a petri dish, I believe they were already living beings---my living beings...my precious little babies. :(
We were able to transfer two good quality embryos. The transfer was horrible and amazing at the same time. It would have been great if my bladder hadn't had to have been SO full for the procedure. I actually cried on the table because I was so uncomfortable, and I was terrified I was going to pee everywhere. Oh the happy memories! ;) Just in case you were wondering, I didn't pee everywhere! My doctor catheterized me for a bit so I felt so much better after that! haha...truly a moment I will never forget!
The two week wait was easy the first week and then awful the second week. Being at work helped relieve my mind a bit, but then I couldn't help but wonder if I was doing too much to overexert myself. The doctor told me no way, but it was still a though at the forefront of my mind. So many stresses during that time! Am I drinking enough water? Am I drinking too much water? Am I getting enough movement in every day? Am I getting too much? Am I eating the right foods? Am I not eating enough of the right foods? These were just a very small sample of what was constantly on my mind! I didn't want to do anything that could potentially cause everything to not work. I couldn't stand the "What ifs?" that I knew would plague me after if it didn't work.
In the end it didn't work. Our two sweeties did not make it, and I think we lost a bit of ourselves the moment we found out we lost them. I know I will never be the same. I lost 10 little ones in two weeks...it's a hard burden to bear. I still think about them, and I think I will always think about them; it's not something that can just go away or be forgotten about. It's a gut-wrenching experience.
We planned on doing another transfer after we took a month off to let my body try to heal a bit both physically and emotionally. We sat down and made a plan for what we would do if our next transfer failed too. We decided we would pursue adoption if this didn't work and try for another IVF cycle later down the road. We just couldn't handle hearing the awful news and coming home to an empty house. We just wanted to be parents, and in the end, we knew it didn't matter how that happened.
We still had to meet with the doctor to discuss my failed transfer. The meeting was not good. He was so great and so caring but also completely honest. He told us that he does not think our remaining 5 embryos will make it to a transfer. Knowing what we know now about our embryo quality, I completely agree. It's horrifying, but I agree. We know that in the future we will do another transfer because we won't destroy our embryos, but we also know that we shouldn't expect anything as a result of the transfer. Words can't explain the grief that brings me...
After our meeting with the doctor, we talked the whole way home about our options. The way we saw it we had three options: 1) give up and walk away, 2) do another fresh IVF cycle with different meds to see if we could get better embryos, or 3) start the adoption process. We knew number 1 was NOT an option for us. We know that living childless is an option many people embrace after infertility, but it was not an option for us. We want a house full of children, and we will fight tooth and nail to get them :) In the end, we combined 2 and 3. We decided to start the adoption process with the intent to do another IVF cycle down the road, and we couldn't be more excited! In our initial plans we made three years ago, we had planned to have biological kids first and then adopt...now we are just reversing our order :) God has a way of changing our best laid plans, doesn't He?
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