Do you want the truth?

As I reread all of the parts of the "Our Story" series, I kept thinking, "I'm not doing this justice."  You see, I've gotten really good at fibbing...really good....  When someone asks me how I'm doing, I am a pro at looking them in the eye, smiling, and saying, "Good, thanks!  How about you?"  I can even do this on days where I spent the whole morning crying and the night before tossing and turning in bed because I can't sleep due to the nightmares of infertility (Yes...I have literal nightmares of finally having a baby and someone coming and stealing him...over and over again...)

Infertility is not fun. 

It's not glamorous. 

And it's not definitely not cheap.

Infertility sucks.  In a major way.

It has turned our whole lives upside down.  There are so many more tears than I ever thought possible.

I have spent the past two years shying away from pregnant women and new mothers; I can't bear to be around them because it just breaks my heart. I don't ask to hold new babies anymore because if I do, then I go in the bathroom and cry afterwords.  I cry at home, at work, at church, at my parents' house, at my in laws' house, at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall, at {insert the name of any place I have ever gone but don't feel like listing}  I cry on birthdays, on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Mother's Day, {insert every other holiday that centers around sweet, precious children}  I also cry when asked questions about my family by people I haven't seen in a while, new people I've only just met, doctors, etc.

It's true.  I cry all. the. time.

But I don't admit it....at least not to most people anybody but my husband and the good Lord upstairs.  But the truth is, it hurts far more than anyone could ever imagine. I try to act strong for everyone, but truthfully, I am a mess: a big, blubbering mess.  Just ask my husband ;)  

I can't even describe the feeling to someone who hasn't lived through it.  It's a feeling of complete hopelessness....knowing that you want to fix it, but you can't.  Knowing that you could spend every dime of your savings and yet still wind up with nothing.  Knowing that your arms could be empty for the rest of your life while you watch your friends with their little ones and all you keep praying for is a chance for one.  It's moments when you look around your house and all you see is what might have been: toys scattered on the floor, snuggles spent in bed, books read on the couch, etc.  I am haunted in my own house by my dreams....or at least by the death of these dreams.  It's a very hard reality to face.

I'm am just so scared.  Scared that we might never have biological kids.  Scared that now when we adopt, people will think we are only doing it because we couldn't have biological kids (if you think that, I will smack you...for real).  Scared that we might not be able to continue in our quest of bio kids because we can't afford it.  Scared that my adopted kids will somehow feel bad or unwanted for us heavily pursuing bio kids.

Now...I don't want you to think I'm crazy.  Because I'm not...I swear!  It took me a long time to realize that every other person suffering from infertility feels the same exact way, but most of us just don't talk about it.

If I have to talk about it, I am really good at being able to sugar coat it.  You know, when people ask how everything's going or how I'm doing, I give easy answers:  "Oh I'm fine, thanks for asking."  or "I'm doing better."  or my personal favorite is when someone asks me how it's going "Oh, it's going...same old, same old..."  I am a chief fibber...don't tell my mother ;)

You can see that I keep most of the ugly feelings inside because honestly....when someone asks you how you're doing, they really don't want an honest answer.  And even if they did, my fragile heart can't handle discussing it randomly in the middle of the day because I am just not able to pull myself together afterwards. Plus I don't want people to know these ugly feelings are there.  I used to be a nice girl with nice feelings, and I am still coming to grips with the broken-hearted girl I have become.

So...to summarize: Infertility sucks, and I am not crazy.  The end.  ;)

***I wrote this about two weeks ago about a week after our failed cycle, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to publish it.  In the end, I decided I needed to because while it doesn't even begin to portray one ounce of the pain we have endured throughout the last two years, it's an honest look into our lives.  I hope this will help my friends and family understand just a glimpse into what we've lived with for 2 long years.  You should know my fragile heart is starting to heal itself as I look forward with anticipation to bringing home our sweet little one from halfway around the world. I think a part of me will always carry these wounds and scars from the long battle with infertility, but it's incredible to know that God is healing my heart through a child (my child!) I don't even know yet.