I've been meaning to do this for a very. long. time. You know...write down our story... It's important to me, but the time seems to have gotten away from me, as it usually does! Honestly I thought our story was done so long ago, but then...it wasn't. But I'm getting ahead of myself! Here goes...
When my husband and I got married in summer of 2008, he was ready for kids, and I...was not. I was starting graduate school in the fall and wanted to focus on school for the next two years before I even thought about diapers and sleepless nights (then again, I pulled plenty of all nighters for school!). About a year into grad school, I did a student teaching rotation with a good friend of mine who had adopted internationally in the past. We didn't spend a lot of time talking about it, but we did discuss it enough to cause a little stirring in my heart. I prayed about it for a looooong time, and then I went to my husband and said, "How do you feel about adoption?" What happens next is still something we can't agree on so I will tell you both sides and let you decide who you believe (cough....me.....cough...cough..)
He remembers being okay with it from the beginning and being happy knowing we would have a big family. I, on the other hand, remember him not saying a word...at all...in fact, we finished the rest of the ride home in silence. I took it as he was not interested whatsoever. I was brokenhearted but continued to pray about it. I tried bringing it up again only to be met with "the wall of silence" again so I turned to adoption blogs for hope and comfort. I came across a blog about a couple who had gone through the same thing, and the wife posted this: "I knew that God had called our family into adoption. I knew it even before my husband did so I decided if this is what God truly wants for us, I will wait until He speaks to my husband."
Those words changed my life! I put it all in God's hands and continued to pray, knowing we would adopt some day. It wasn't long until we started having little conversations here and there, and finally my husband said he knew it was a calling--our calling. He truly believed it and was excited to move forward when the time came. We felt like China was our place....our niche, and we clung tight to that hope. We made big plans: have two biological kids and then when we turned 30 (China's law), we would adopt two little ones from China. We wanted to have bio kids first because we wanted our adopted kids to know that we chose them. We didn't want them to ever think they were a second choice so we wanted them to know that even thought we already had kids biologically linked to us, we still chose to travel halfway across the world and bring them into our family because we loved them like none other (my husband's words...he's come a long way, eh?)
I read every adoption book and blog I could get my hands on. I started buying board books with pictures of Asian children in them because I knew that one day I would have Asian children, and I wanted my children to see pictures of themselves everywhere. I bought a China print for my house and a key chain to keep with me always. I was beyond excited---still am actually :)
Fast forward to Spring of 2010. I was ready to start trying to get pregnant. Of course my husband had been ready for a few years so we were so excited! Then he lost his job, and we decided to wait. The wait was killer, but we were in agreement that it was for the best.
Later that year (in the fall), we found ourselves going crazy; he still didn't have a job, my best friend was pregnant (oooo....so jealous), and I was dying for a baby. I got a little careless with the birth control (oops), and a month later we thought I was pregnant. My doctor confirmed the pregnancy, and we were over the moon! We thought of ways we would tell our family at Christmas and discussed names and nursery themes. We were so happy! On December 23, I got a call that rocked my world. It turns out I was never pregnant. We discovered later that it was a massive cyst that was leaking progesterone into my body giving me every pregnancy symptom known to man. We were devastated. I'm not talking about the "I just lost my job" devastation we had faced months earlier. No, sir. This was more of a "the world just got blown up by space creatures, I just lost my whole family, and I'm not going to live to see tomorrow" devastation. I sunk into a severe depression for about 6 weeks. To say it was a low point in my life would be an understatement. I was mad at my Dr (for confirming before doing a blood test), my friends (who were pregnant without me), my husband (for losing his job before we could start trying sooner), my family (for not understanding), and at God (for allowing this to happen). None of these people deserved my wrath, but I was so lost inside of myself that I couldn't see what was happening or who I had become.
I eventually pulled out of it through the grace of God, but I still can't think back to that time without crying. Even two years later, it is still a very raw, emotional place for me. I spent last Christmas season dreading that date, and I am already dreading this season for the very same reason.
That whole fiasco led to my husband and I deciding to forget about waiting for him to find a job and start trying right away. Within weeks I had been to all of my doctors to be checked out and cleared for trying. I had already been on prenatals since the moment we suspected pregnancy in December so we were set on that angle. We were ready!
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