Do you want the truth?

As I reread all of the parts of the "Our Story" series, I kept thinking, "I'm not doing this justice."  You see, I've gotten really good at fibbing...really good....  When someone asks me how I'm doing, I am a pro at looking them in the eye, smiling, and saying, "Good, thanks!  How about you?"  I can even do this on days where I spent the whole morning crying and the night before tossing and turning in bed because I can't sleep due to the nightmares of infertility (Yes...I have literal nightmares of finally having a baby and someone coming and stealing him...over and over again...)

Infertility is not fun. 

It's not glamorous. 

And it's not definitely not cheap.

Infertility sucks.  In a major way.

It has turned our whole lives upside down.  There are so many more tears than I ever thought possible.

I have spent the past two years shying away from pregnant women and new mothers; I can't bear to be around them because it just breaks my heart. I don't ask to hold new babies anymore because if I do, then I go in the bathroom and cry afterwords.  I cry at home, at work, at church, at my parents' house, at my in laws' house, at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall, at {insert the name of any place I have ever gone but don't feel like listing}  I cry on birthdays, on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Mother's Day, {insert every other holiday that centers around sweet, precious children}  I also cry when asked questions about my family by people I haven't seen in a while, new people I've only just met, doctors, etc.

It's true.  I cry all. the. time.

But I don't admit it....at least not to most people anybody but my husband and the good Lord upstairs.  But the truth is, it hurts far more than anyone could ever imagine. I try to act strong for everyone, but truthfully, I am a mess: a big, blubbering mess.  Just ask my husband ;)  

I can't even describe the feeling to someone who hasn't lived through it.  It's a feeling of complete hopelessness....knowing that you want to fix it, but you can't.  Knowing that you could spend every dime of your savings and yet still wind up with nothing.  Knowing that your arms could be empty for the rest of your life while you watch your friends with their little ones and all you keep praying for is a chance for one.  It's moments when you look around your house and all you see is what might have been: toys scattered on the floor, snuggles spent in bed, books read on the couch, etc.  I am haunted in my own house by my dreams....or at least by the death of these dreams.  It's a very hard reality to face.

I'm am just so scared.  Scared that we might never have biological kids.  Scared that now when we adopt, people will think we are only doing it because we couldn't have biological kids (if you think that, I will smack you...for real).  Scared that we might not be able to continue in our quest of bio kids because we can't afford it.  Scared that my adopted kids will somehow feel bad or unwanted for us heavily pursuing bio kids.

Now...I don't want you to think I'm crazy.  Because I'm not...I swear!  It took me a long time to realize that every other person suffering from infertility feels the same exact way, but most of us just don't talk about it.

If I have to talk about it, I am really good at being able to sugar coat it.  You know, when people ask how everything's going or how I'm doing, I give easy answers:  "Oh I'm fine, thanks for asking."  or "I'm doing better."  or my personal favorite is when someone asks me how it's going "Oh, it's going...same old, same old..."  I am a chief fibber...don't tell my mother ;)

You can see that I keep most of the ugly feelings inside because honestly....when someone asks you how you're doing, they really don't want an honest answer.  And even if they did, my fragile heart can't handle discussing it randomly in the middle of the day because I am just not able to pull myself together afterwards. Plus I don't want people to know these ugly feelings are there.  I used to be a nice girl with nice feelings, and I am still coming to grips with the broken-hearted girl I have become.

So...to summarize: Infertility sucks, and I am not crazy.  The end.  ;)

***I wrote this about two weeks ago about a week after our failed cycle, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to publish it.  In the end, I decided I needed to because while it doesn't even begin to portray one ounce of the pain we have endured throughout the last two years, it's an honest look into our lives.  I hope this will help my friends and family understand just a glimpse into what we've lived with for 2 long years.  You should know my fragile heart is starting to heal itself as I look forward with anticipation to bringing home our sweet little one from halfway around the world. I think a part of me will always carry these wounds and scars from the long battle with infertility, but it's incredible to know that God is healing my heart through a child (my child!) I don't even know yet.

Our Story- Part 4

So we had our financing (which was awesome), but before we could move forward, we needed to do one last round of testing to make sure we ordered the correct medicine for our IVF cycle.  There were a few things to check for, but my Dr told me not to worry about it.  I was a little uneasy...again, I just had the feeling that the results were not going to be good.  I don't know why I was so upset when the results came in because I already "knew" what they were going to say.  Still....to hear you have a very serious blood disorder that can cause spontaneous miscarriages at any point throughout a pregnancy was a very scary thing!  It made me terrified to do IVF.  Eventually I was able to calm down and do some research, and I found out that if I take my meds on a regular basis, I should be okay (should being the key word there...).  Of course there is always the risk, but there were other women out there that had made it through it with healthy babies so I could too (fingers crossed).

The next step was my meds.  Another breakdown moment for me (there have been lots along the way! lol) was the day I found the giant cooler on my doorstep containing the thousands of dollars of medicine I needed for the IVF. So. many. needles. (!!!)  I was so excited and so ready for the cycle!  I just couldn't wait to get started.  I wanted it to start just so it could be over, and then I would know I was officially pregnant (again....didn't quite turn out the way I planned).  I took a million pictures of everything so that I would be able to document the process to show my child someday.  Did I mention I was uber excited?! ;)

During my stims (the 2 weeks spent taking 5 pills a day and 4 shots per day), everything went perfect.  We couldn't have asked for things to go any smoother.  I was on cloud nine :)  The morning of the transfer, they got 30 eggs from me.  Considering normal is between 8 and 12, thirty was incredible!  Unfortunately, 30 was also a high enough number to cause my doctor to consider canceling my transfer.  He ultimately decided to cancel based on the 30 eggs, my super high estrogen levels, and the fluid he found in my pelvis (he had no idea where it came from or why it was there).

Due to the 30 eggs and high estrogen levels, my doctor was worried about OHSS, which is a very scary thing!  We were still so upset over the canceled transfer, but we knew we had to focus on me getting back to normal.  I spent the next 5 days on complete bed rest following a strict diet and drinking boatloads of water. The two days following that were spent on modified bed rest: I went to work for 3 hours in the morning and came home to spend the rest of the day and night on the couch.  The following week, I had a D&C/hysteroscopy to try to figure out where the fluid was coming from.  It turns out I had 6 polyps in my uterus...ick.  Had we done the transfer, there would have been no hope for the embryos to survive.

Of the 30 eggs, only 18 were mature, meaning the 18 were a fully developed size and able to have the possibility of fertilization.  Of the 18, the embryologist was able to fertilize 15.  We had 15 embryos!  Those are GREAT numbers!  So much to be thankful for :)

There were many ups and downs along the way to our transfer (first it was on, then it was off, then it was on...ugh), but ultimately we had our transfer in August of 2012.  Our embryologist thawed 10 of our snow babies, but only two survived the thaw.  There was nothing that could have been done to save them; they were just too weak.  It turns out we have poor quality embryos and the doctor has no idea why.  We are both young, healthy, and everything is working as it should in our bodies.  We just can't get pregnant because our embryos are not good.  So sad :(

I remember hearing the news about losing our embryos and crying and crying; I felt like I would never stop.  I felt like I just lost 8 precious little ones.  Those were my babies; my future sweeties that I would never get to hold or love on.  It was heartbreaking.  Some people don't see it the way I do, but I believe that life begins at conception so whether they were in me or in a petri dish, I believe they were already living beings---my living beings...my precious little babies. :(

We were able to transfer two good quality embryos.  The transfer was horrible and amazing at the same time.  It would have been great if my bladder hadn't had to have been SO full for the procedure.  I actually cried on the table because I was so uncomfortable, and I was terrified I was going to pee everywhere. Oh the happy memories!  ;)   Just in case you were wondering, I didn't pee everywhere!  My doctor catheterized me for a bit so I felt so much better after that!  haha...truly a moment I will never forget!

The two week wait was easy the first week and then awful the second week.  Being at work helped relieve my mind a bit, but then I couldn't help but wonder if I was doing too much to overexert myself. The doctor told me no way, but it was still a though at the forefront of my mind.  So many stresses during that time!  Am I drinking enough water? Am I drinking too much water? Am I getting enough movement in every day?  Am I getting too much?  Am I eating the right foods?  Am I not eating enough of the right foods?  These were just a very small sample of what was constantly on my mind!  I didn't want to do anything that could potentially cause everything to not work.  I couldn't stand the "What ifs?" that I knew would plague me after if it didn't work.

In the end it didn't work.  Our two sweeties did not make it, and I think we lost a bit of ourselves the moment we found out we lost them.  I know I will never be the same.  I lost 10 little ones in two weeks...it's a hard burden to bear.  I still think about them, and I think I will always think about them; it's not something that can just go away or be forgotten about.  It's a gut-wrenching experience.

We planned on doing another transfer after we took a month off to let my body try to heal a bit both physically and emotionally.  We sat down and made a plan for what we would do if our next transfer failed too.  We decided we would pursue adoption if this didn't work and try for another IVF cycle later down the road.  We just couldn't handle hearing the awful news and coming home to an empty house. We just wanted to be parents, and in the end, we knew it didn't matter how that happened.

We still had to meet with the doctor to discuss my failed transfer.  The meeting was not good.  He was so great and so caring but also completely honest.  He told us that he does not think our remaining 5 embryos will make it to a transfer.  Knowing what we know now about our embryo quality, I completely agree.  It's horrifying, but I agree.  We know that in the future we will do another transfer because we won't destroy our embryos, but we also know that we shouldn't expect anything as a result of the transfer.  Words can't explain the grief that brings me...

After our meeting with the doctor, we talked the whole way home about our options.  The way we saw it we had three options: 1) give up and walk away, 2) do another fresh IVF cycle with different meds to see if we could get better embryos, or 3) start the adoption process.  We knew number 1 was NOT an option for us. We know that living childless is an option many people embrace after infertility, but it was not an option for us.  We want a house full of children, and we will fight tooth and nail to get them :)  In the end, we combined 2 and 3.  We decided to start the adoption process with the intent to do another IVF cycle down the road, and we couldn't be more excited!  In our initial plans we made three years ago, we had planned to have biological kids first and then adopt...now we are just reversing our order :)  God has a way of changing our best laid plans, doesn't He?

Our Story- Part 3

You would think with me being super type A that I would have called that day to make the specialist appointment.  After all, that was the next step to turning our dreams into a reality.  I couldn't...I just couldn't.  Every time I picked up the phone determined to call, I would start shaking and would break out in a sweat.  It was absurd!  I knew we needed to see the specialist, and yet, I also knew that once I made that call, there was no going back.  I knew we would be officially labeled as "infertile"  Even though I had declared us that in my mind months before, somehow knowing that others would know made me sick.  Eventually I was able to make the call...4 weeks later...

The specialist's office was able to get me in in less than a week, which was amazing considering I had set up three different appointments with three different other specialists in the past few months and it took weeks/months to get into them (of course I never went to any of them...I would always call and cancel because I just couldn't face the infertility diagnosis yet).  I remember driving to the appointment with my husband and half smiling/half crying but mostly shaking from nerves.  It turned out to be a great appointment.  He listened to everything I said, including the part about me thinking I had endometriosis, and he scheduled me for surgery for the following Wednesday---only 5 days away!  *Side note...so thankful I work with such amazingly, compassionate people.  It doesn't take away any of the emotions of IF (infertility), but it really helps knowing that my job isn't on the line because I have to miss for surgeries and doctor's appointments.  I have read too many horror stories of women who have to deal with that mess on top of IF, and my heart breaks for them.  I am SO blessed to work where I do :)

I had a laparoscopy the following Wednesday, and surprise (not really)...I had moderate endometriosis.  The doctor said it was possible that I could get pregnant on my own now after the surgery (the lasered it all off) so we just needed to give it a 3-5 months and see what happened.  He told us that if we weren't pregnant by the end of that timeframe, we would need to seriously discuss IVF.  That was in January of 2012.  By May, we still weren't pregnant.  We went in and declared ourselves ready for IVF.  We were so terrified and so excited all at the same time!

First things first...financing.  We were able to get a home equity loan together very quickly.  In fact, the lady working with us at the bank said she had never seen one done so fast!  We are quite efficient...you don't mess around with us when it comes to kids! ;)  From start to finish it only took two weeks-record time!  I remember getting the call telling us everything had gone through, and we were officially approved.  I lost it!  I started bawling.  I remember thinking, 'This is it!  This is the first step to the rest of our lives.'

Our Story- Part 2

I just knew we were going to get pregnant that first month!  Actually, I knew we were going to get pregnant with twins!  They run in my family, and my sister and I are the next in line to get them.  Seriously...I just *knew* I was going to get pregnant right away!   Ha!  Yeah....ummmm....nope.

The first month came and went, and I immediately started to panic.  I told my husband something was wrong--I just "knew it."  Obviously he told me I was crazy and to just give it more time.  We continued trying for several more months.  In September of 2011, I wound up in the ER with a ruptured cyst (ouch).  The ultrasound tech took one look at my insides (Thank you, internal ultrasound! Ugh...) and told me I would probably never have biological kids.  I remember going numb and zoning out, and I don't remember anything else that happened that night.  I sat in shock for the remaining hours I was there.

I set up an appointment with my Dr the following week, and after she examined me, she told me there was no reason I would never be able to have kids.  She told me the tech spoke out of turn, and "she probably had no idea what she was talking about anyway."  I left the office feeling better but still uneasy.  I still felt like something wasn't right.  Fortunately, my husband started to believe me and was on board with me pushing the doctors along in a diagnosis (typically a doctor won't even consider seeing a patient who has been trying for less than 12 months).  I was able to use my cyst experience as leverage to get me appointments twice a month with the nurse practitioner at my OB's office.  She started me on all sorts of things: charting my basal body temperature, charting my cervical mucus (so sexy), charting how often we were "doing the deed," using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs), several rounds of blood work each month to check my hormone levels, and once a month internal ultrasounds to monitor everything.  This craziness continued for five months with no positive results.

Month after month everything came back great!  This was exciting and yet frustrating all at the same time.  Everything seemed to be working life clockwork within my body.  We were so confused about why we were having trouble!  We couldn't find anything wrong!

And then it happened...I missed my period and started having pregnancy symptoms.  I told myself to be cautious; after all, we had gone through this before.  I went to my Dr, and she did her thing.  At the end of my exam, she pushed around on my stomach and said, "It feels like your uterus is fuller than normal....hmmm...looks like I'll see you back in here really soon!"  Aghhh!  Excitement again!  Once again the hubs and I started dreaming of a Christmas announcement (only a few weeks to have to keep the secret!).  Three days later I started having severe cramping. I wound up in the ER praying to God it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  Well...turned out it wasn't any pregnancy.  It was just another stupid corpus luteum cyst wreaking havoc in my body.  Thus began the period of mourning...again...right before Christmas...again...

Unfortunately, the pain never lessened.  I continued to cramp, but I blamed on my period which came a few days later (grrrr....), but the cramps stayed long after that ended.  The cramps were AWFUL!!!  It was like my period cramps had morphed into a monster and declared war on my insides.  I was in intense pain all day, every day.  I went to my nurse practitioner asking about endometriosis, and she told me it was a possibility, but they wouldn't do a laparoscopy until they had a few more months of the baseline testing.  I was so frustrated because we had been doing baseline testing for months without any indication of any new information.  That was when I decided we needed to see a specialist.

Our Story- Part 1

I've been meaning to do this for a very. long. time.  You know...write down our story...  It's important to me, but the time seems to have gotten away from me, as it usually does!  Honestly I thought our story was done so long ago, but then...it wasn't.  But I'm getting ahead of myself!  Here goes...

When my husband and I got married in summer of 2008, he was ready for kids, and I...was not.  I was starting graduate school in the fall and wanted to focus on school for the next two years before I even thought about diapers and sleepless nights (then again, I pulled plenty of all nighters for school!).  About a year into grad school, I did a student teaching rotation with a good friend of mine who had adopted internationally in the past.  We didn't spend a lot of time talking about it, but we did discuss it enough to cause a little stirring in my heart.  I prayed about it for a looooong time, and then I went to my husband and said, "How do you feel about adoption?"  What happens next is still something we can't agree on so I will tell you both sides and let you decide who you believe (cough....me.....cough...cough..)

He remembers being okay with it from the beginning and being happy knowing we would have a big family.  I, on the other hand,  remember him not saying a word...at all...in fact, we finished the rest of the ride home in silence.  I took it as he was not interested whatsoever.  I was brokenhearted but continued to pray about it.  I tried bringing it up again only to be met with "the wall of silence" again so I turned to adoption blogs for hope and comfort.  I came across a blog about a couple who had gone through the same thing, and the wife posted this: "I knew that God had called our family into adoption.  I knew it even before my husband did so I decided if this is what God truly wants for us, I will wait until He speaks to my husband."

Those words changed my life!  I put it all in God's hands and continued to pray, knowing we would adopt some day.  It wasn't long until we started having little conversations here and there, and finally my husband said he knew it was a calling--our calling.  He truly believed it and was excited to move forward when the time came.  We felt like China was our place....our niche, and we clung tight to that hope.  We made big plans: have two biological kids and then when we turned 30 (China's law), we would adopt two little ones from China. We wanted to have bio kids first because we wanted our adopted kids to know that we chose them.  We didn't want them to ever think they were a second choice so we wanted them to know that even thought we already had kids biologically linked to us, we still chose to travel halfway across the world and bring them into our family because we loved them like none other (my husband's words...he's come a long way, eh?)

I read every adoption book and blog I could get my hands on.  I started buying board books with pictures of Asian children in them because I knew that one day I would have Asian children, and I wanted my children to see pictures of themselves everywhere.  I bought a China print for my house and a key chain to keep with me always.  I was beyond excited---still am actually :)

Fast forward to Spring of 2010.  I was ready to start trying to get pregnant.  Of course my husband had been ready for a few years so we were so excited!  Then he lost his job, and we decided to wait.  The wait was killer, but we were in agreement that it was for the best.

Later that year (in the fall), we found ourselves going crazy; he still didn't have a job, my best friend was pregnant (oooo....so jealous), and I was dying for a baby.  I got a little careless with the birth control (oops), and a month later we thought I was pregnant.  My doctor confirmed the pregnancy, and we were over the moon!  We thought of ways we would tell our family at Christmas and discussed names and nursery themes.  We were so happy!  On December 23, I got a call that rocked my world.  It turns out I was never pregnant.  We discovered later that it was a massive cyst that was leaking progesterone into my body giving me every pregnancy symptom known to man.  We were devastated.  I'm not talking about the "I just lost my job" devastation we had faced months earlier.  No, sir.  This was more of a "the world just got blown up by space creatures, I just lost my whole family, and I'm not going to live to see tomorrow" devastation.  I sunk into a severe depression for about 6 weeks.  To say it was a low point in my life would be an understatement.  I was mad at my Dr (for confirming before doing a blood test), my friends (who were pregnant without me), my husband (for losing his job before we could start trying sooner), my family (for not understanding), and at God (for allowing this to happen).  None of these people deserved my wrath, but I was so lost inside of myself that I couldn't see what was happening or who I had become.

I eventually pulled out of it through the grace of God, but I still can't think back to that time without crying.  Even two years later, it is still a very raw, emotional place for me.  I spent last Christmas season dreading that date, and I am already dreading this season for the very same reason.

That whole fiasco led to my husband and I deciding to forget about waiting for him to find a job and start trying right away. Within weeks I had been to all of my doctors to be checked out and cleared for trying.  I had already been on prenatals since the moment we suspected pregnancy in December so we were set on that angle.  We were ready!